The Courage to be Dis-liked

As an avid reader and always seeking ways to improve myself, I was delighted to have recommended the book The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga.

This philosophical self-help book offers a unique perspective on personal growth and self-realization. The book is structured as a dialogue between a young man and an older philosopher, exploring the teachings of Alfred Adler, a renowned psychiatrist and founder of Adlerian psychology.

The book is divided into five chapters, each delving into a specific aspect of Adlerian psychology and how it can be applied to our daily lives. One of the main points that the authors make is that we should focus on our own goals and desires rather than conforming to societal expectations.

The first chapter explores the concept of the separation of tasks. According to the authors, every individual has a unique task in life, and we should focus on fulfilling that task rather than comparing ourselves to others. This comparison is a source of unhappiness and can lead to a lack of fulfilment.

Chapter 1: Separation of Tasks

Personally, I found this chapter difficult to read, as I could relate to it too well!

As the eldest son of my school’s District Board of Governors, I constantly felt pressure to get good grades and attend a prestigious university. My younger brother was somewhat of a childhood prodigy, so I often felt that despite being the eldest, I was somehow living in his shadow. Which in turn caused a lot of stress and, at times, hatred for him and education. Having read The Courage to Be Disliked, I have realized for a long time that I had been comparing myself to him and his achievements. Somehow trying to fulfil the same career path as him rather than focusing on my unique life task. I’ve realised that only once I had learnt not to do this but instead focus solely on my aspirations for personal growth and fulfilment, my career quickly progressed to what it is today.

The second chapter is all about taking responsibility for our own lives. The authors argue that we often blame external factors for our problems rather than taking responsibility for our own actions. By taking responsibility, we can take control of our lives and create the future we want. This is an important point, as it empowers us to take control of our lives and not be victims of circumstances.

Chapter 2: The Freedom and Courage to Be Happy

When I began working with David – The Managing Director of a small family printing works. He was a middle-aged man who has always felt like his life is out of his control. He blames his difficult childhood, the constant demands of his job, and his responsibilities to his family for his unhappiness. He described himself as “stuck in a rut”.

I offered him a copy of The Courage to Be Disliked, which he was initially reluctant to read. However, upon completing it, David realised that he had been playing the victim and not taking responsibility for his life. He decides to take a course on mindfulness and starts to meditate every day. This helps him to become more present in his life and to let go of his negative thoughts and emotions.

He decided to promote a loyal employee to become General Manager, and we worked together to establish a new and aligned set of Vision and Values for the business. David admits to being a lot happier and content in every aspect of his life, since he realised the need to take massive action to release any prior guilt, shame and stress he carried from his past and to take full responsibility for his actions, mood and engagement with the present.

The third chapter explores the concept of the “here and now”. The authors argue that we often get caught up in the past or the future, preventing us from fully experiencing the present moment. By focusing on the present, we can fully experience life, and all it offers. This is an important reminder to live in the moment and appreciate what we have.

Chapter 3: The Here and Now

I first met Sophie at an FSB Networking event in York. She was a young woman who described herself as LOST. Having had to drop out of university to return home, nurse ill parents, and inherit their small tea rooms business.

We looked at why she ‘felt lost’, and she admitted to tending to overthink everything and catastrophize any minor setback.

I shared a copy of Courage to Be Disliked, from which Sophie realised she has been missing out on the present moment because she is so focused on the future. She starts to practice mindfulness and meditation, which helps her to become more present and to appreciate the little things in life. She also starts to keep a gratitude journal, where she writes down three things she is grateful for daily.

She went on to acknowledge she hadn’t really wanted to attend University and had only done so because ‘it was what everyone else did’ on leaving college. We worked together on a Vision, Mission and Values statement and looked at Ideal Target Avatar, Marketing, Sales and Team development. Over the time working together, she chose the tea rooms to become Vegan and Planet Friendly, aligning all ingredients and practices to be eco-friendly. The word spread, and she quickly needed to take on a small team of helpers to support her in the ongoing upkeep and management of a tearoom, book club and social ‘hang out’ for a new community of young, hip eco-warriors. (Her words, not mine)

The fourth chapter is about the importance of relationships. According to the authors, our relationships with others are a reflection of our own inner state. By focusing on our own personal growth and happiness, we can improve our relationships with others. This is an important point, as it reminds us that our relationships are not just about what others can do for us but what we can do for others.

Chapter 4: Relationships

Alan was a long-term family friend. A middle-aged man who had devoted so much of his time and effort to be a ‘provider’ to the bustling family. Yet once the youngest had left home, he had been in a rocky relationship with his wife because of his ‘unwillingness’ to devote more time to her and the home. They have been arguing a lot, and Alan felt his wife always criticised him for putting work before everything else.

I offered him a copy of The Courage to Be Disliked. Alan quickly realised that his relationship with his wife reflects his own inner state. He started focusing on his personal growth and happiness by re-taking up dancing together (something they hadn’t done since they were courting) and going to therapy.

Rather than business, we worked together through our ‘Effective Communication’ Masterclass, which led to him starting to communicate more openly with his wife and to listen to her concerns. This helps them to work through their issues and to strengthen their relationship, to the extent that she has now completed a basic bookkeeping course, supporting him in the business, which has freed him up some time to really enjoy their dancing together.

The final chapter is about the courage to be happy. The authors argue that happiness is a choice; we can be happy in any situation. This is an important point, reminding us that we can control our happiness regardless of circumstances.

Chapter 5: The Courage to Be Happy

Alice is the daughter of a lifelong friend. A young woman who has always struggled with anxiety and depression. She has been to therapy before but still feels like her mental health is out of her control.

I gifted her a copy of The Courage to Be Disliked.

Since then, Alice describes happiness as a choice and that she can control her emotions. She quickly started self-care and self-compassion by doing things that make her happy and talking to herself more positively. However, one of the biggest changes she made was in recognising she had been ‘hanging around’ with some very negative and quite toxic environments. She distanced herself from this and started surrounding herself with positive and supportive people who encouraged her to be her best self.

She went on to attend the local gym, signed up to join a local netball team, and is currently the deputy chairperson of the team. Her entire outlook has changed with a promising future in a new career and a young man she tells me she’s “not dating, we are just friends.”

Overall, The Courage to Be Disliked is an inspiring and thought-provoking book that offers a fresh perspective on personal growth and self-realization. Based on Adlerian psychology, the authors’ insights offer a unique approach to understanding human behaviour and motivation. One of the key takeaways from the book is the importance of taking responsibility for our own lives and focusing on our own personal growth and happiness. Another important takeaway is the reminder to live in the moment and appreciates what we have.

Action points:

Focus on your goals and desires rather than conforming to societal expectations.
Take responsibility for your own life and create your desired future.
Focus on the present moment and fully experience life.
Improve your relationships with others by focusing on your own personal growth and happiness.
Choose to be happy in any situation.